Living Deliberately

we recently discussed the writings of Henry David Thoreau and Ralph Waldo Emerson in my American Humanities class. I have always had a real love for the ideas that those men emphasized. Life truly should be simplified. It is meant to be enjoyed, not just gotten through. That is all incredibly cliche, and there are probably a million quotes inscribed on painted boards destined for living room walls that preach those notions. What stands out to me, though, is that despite so many of us being warmed by such ideas and loving the thought of meaningful living, so few of us actually do anything to apply those ideas into our lives. I am guilty. As we sat in class discussing this, I thought about how much I love Thoreau's views on life, but then realized that although I think that is exactly how life deserves to be lived, I was just going to go straight to work, work like mad, run home and stress over schoolwork. There is so much pressure. There is such a pattern of urgency and high demand in our society today that no matter how much a person believes that life is meant to be enjoyed at a peaceful pace, they will still find themselves striving for something; working and straining to achieve or to progress in some way. Sure anyone can manage to read more books or to go on more walks, but no one ever seems to attain to a life truly lived in a deliberate fashion. I have found, though, that love seems to be the greatest aid in moving towards that blissful state of existence. As I fall more and more in love, I find joy more easily. I seem to get more out of every day. And although the pressing matters in my life only seem to be piling higher, the pressure doesn't grow. Having someone to always walk at your side means that no matter how long the list of worries and concerns gets, there will always be at least one thing that is absolutely perfect and is just the way you want it to be. There is a lot of uncertainty in my very near future. But I don't ever feel intimidated by it because I know that everything is going to work out for my good. I've said it a million times, and I'll say it at least ten more; I can find immense peace in knowing that if I strive to take care of everything within my control and work hard, everything will end up where it needs to. It sounds foolishly optimistic, I'm sure, to many. But I believe it. I remain calm in knowing that I don't have to have every answer and I don't have to be able to do it all. I just need to do what I can, and know that everything will end up where it needs to be. Love keeps it all in perspective... Love is my leisurely walk in the woods without a care in the world.

Grampa

The following is my greatest attempt to recreate the words of my talk from my Grandpa's funeral.

I have to start by being perfectly honest. When I was asked to give this talk about what my relationship with my grandpa means to me and what he taught me, the first thing that came to mind was that the trash needs to be taken out when it's half full and to never put the lawn mower away until every blade of grass has been cleaned off of it. But, in all seriousness, it wasn't long after those thoughts went through my mind that my more serious answers came forth. More than anything else, what my Grandpa was to me was a disciple of Jesus Christ. He is one of the finest examples that I have ever known of a man who dedicated his life to following the example of Christ. That is what stands out in my mind when I reflect on the impact my relationship with Grandpa had on my life; his devotion to Christlike living.
There are three specific Christlike attributes which Grandpa exemplified in his own life which I want to focus on today. The first of which is his diligence and especially his desire to work hard and serve others. There was always work to be done. There was never a project too big and never a bit of help he wasn't willing to render. In fact, I think most of us can agree that he maybe didn't know how to not help anyone he could. Just the other day my dad was telling me about how a few weeks ago he was talking with my grandpa about the upcoming wood floor installation he was planning, Grandpa wanted so badly too help despite his condition at the time.
The next Christlike quality I want to discuss is his faith. From my perspective as a grandson, and I'm sure from any other, there is no doubt that he had a love for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. There are a couple memories that stand out in my mind that demonstrate his amazing faith. One of which comes from when I was serving as a missionary. Every letter I received from him left me more certain than ever before that he was certain that serving the Lord was the best thing I could be doing with my life at that time. He and his faith are always a source of strength, hope and joy in pushing me forward to be a better disciple of Christ. The other experience relative to my grandpa that taught me about faith came only a couple weeks ago. In fact, it came on the night of his fall. That night, my dad, Kory and I went to the hospital and laid our hands on his head to give him a Priesthood blessing. As we did the thought came to my mind that his faith was more than sufficient to be healed if it were the will of God. Then I thought about how my dad's faith is undoubtedly strong enough to heal my grandpa. I knew these things that night. There was no doubt. That experience speaks volumes about the faith of my grandfather. His faith is what allowed him to be the man he needed to be to raise my father to be the man that he is; the man that I can only hope to emulate. His faith allowed him to begin a legacy that I am now privileged enough to spend the rest of my life striving to fulfill and build upon.
The final attribute that Grandpa exemplified that I want to point out is his charity and love. There's not a lot to be said there because his love was just all-encompassing. It was unending. This was plainly visible at all times in his love for Grammy. There was never any doubt. It was always clear. But really, that was the way he was in all his relationships. His love was always to complete and so easily seen and felt. I think many of you here could echo my worlds when I say that when I spoke with him there was no way to doubt his love for me. My joys were his joys. My wants were his wants. His tenderness and compassion were so real.
If I were to sum up the effect he had on me, what comes to my mind when I think back on my relationship with him is his sterling example of being a disciple of Christ. That is what he taught me. That is the mark he left on this world. He has always, will always, and still does love, follow, and serve his beloved Savior Jesus Christ. I love him, and I can only hope to follow the beautiful path he laid in his life of service, faith, and love. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Love is. . .

Love is unending. Love is not saying anything even when your arm has fallen asleep and is killing you but she just looks too perfectly peaceful. Love is a piece of heaven. Love is wearing a stupid hair net at work so your hair will still look decent when you get to see her after you get off. Love is hating good night. Love is priceless. Love is being completely willing to do absolutely anything no matter how ridiculous or unnecessary it may be. Love is begging the clock the hurry up all day from eight til six then pleading with it to completely stop from six til midnight. Love is being unable to stop thinking about her. Love is a precious, tender, perfect kiss that you don't want to ever end. Love is magical. Love is the greatest of all. Love is true. Love is when a sad and unhappy night is swallowed up in the hope for a beautiful, perfect tomorrow. Love is getting up ten minutes earlier to get a seat in the back so you can hold her hand.

Love is everything I need. Love is my joy, my happiness. Love is my dearest Michelle.

grapes... saving the best for last

So I was eating some grapes tonight. When I eat from a bundle of grapes, I always look for the bad ones first. You know, the small ones, the not-so-optimally-firm/straightup squishy ones. I eat those to begin with so that I can get any and all undesirable experiences out of the way early so as to not avoid creating an unpleasant undercurrent of sub-par grapes. I do feel a need to eat all of them (with the exception of any truly gross looking ones), but I always try to eat them in absolute order of very worst to very best.
How is that a source of inspiration, you may ask. I will explain. Today sucked. It was absolutely horrible. I had to get up at 7:30 after being up til 2:30 the night before. I couldn't stay awake in biology. I failed my biology test. The Rockies got knocked out of the playoffs... after giving up a ninth inning lead. I had to go to weird and boring FHE. It was just not a great day. I was looking back on it all tonight as I was brushing my teeth, and I thought about my grapes, and I had a thought. We don't get to choose when we get the good and when we get the bad. It just comes. Life is like eating a bag of grapes wearing a blindfold and big, thick gloves so you can't feel what the grapes will be like with your fingers. Seriously, though, we've all heard this idea a million times in a million different packages, but it's true. I guess tonight I finally came to realize how true it is; there will always be good going on and good to come. There will also always be bad going on and more bad to come. It's not up to us to decide we want to get it all out of the way at once. We don't get to take the bad only when we're braced for it. It just comes. It is simply a matter of responding. That's the only thing we have control over. You can either be really grossed out and throw out the bag of mostly delicious grapes or you can immediately throw in another good one. As for me, I'm up for another. Today was horrible, but even before it ended it was made sweet again by getting to talk to someone I love and getting to feel her love. So although I may not get to choose when I have one experience or another, I still believe that if I keep looking forward to a better day, I will finish my bag of grapes more satisfied than I could have ever hoped.

The Wrap up

There are some times when you just feel... right. I love those times. They take a different form for everyone. For me, those times often seem to coincide with laughter. Not just laughter because something was funny, but laughter because you're happy. It's the kind of laughter where you're pretty sure if you could see your soul, it would have a great big smile on it. I just feel so good. Sure, there's a lot of crap going on, and there are a lot of questions without answers (everything having to do with jobs/money/careers), but when you have nights like tonight it all disappears. I am so blessed to have someone in my life who helps me to have so many more 'just right' nights than I would normally hope for.

It's amazing how something as simple as the fun ending to a conversation can show you how great life is; it can turn your heart around. There are so many things; so many little things... things that can make all the difference... but only if you let them. You just have to let yourself flow in the ocean. It would be so easy to get on a set path and progress along it unaffected only to miss out on countless opportunities to find joy and learning. But to slow down and read all the signs at the zoo, to make a comparison, is to embrace life. It is allowing everything you encounter to change you in some way. Yet again, I find myself preaching and being somewhat of a dork. I guess I just love life. Or to quote Kasey Butler, I'm celebrating life! It has so much to offer, but only if you take the time to let the little things make it all... just right. I feel good. I'm happy. So happy.

Moose

(don't think less of me for writing this one. But rather admire me for recognizing that inspiration is literally EVERYWHERE you turn)

Sometimes I wish I had whatever it takes to have the determination to try and try again to catch a ball in my mouth no matter how much I suck at it. I wish I slept 20 hours a day. I wish I were a dog. Along with these two admirable qualities of a dog, I find one in particular that teaches me a lesson. I wish I had the capacity to love unconditionally.

A dog will always love you. You may scold him and send him shamefully cowering away, but he will be right back in an instant. Not only will he come right back, but he will come back eager to play and cuddle. You may take away his favorite stuffed animal which he clearly loves more than anything in the world because he is tearing it to shreds, but he will curl up in your lap five minutes later without a second thought about what you did. You may step on his foot so that he yelps in pain, but he'll be right there waiting at your feet for you to throw the ball just one more time.

I realize that this sounds a little bit odd, but I mean it. A dog can forget faster than any of us. Of course, most will say that that is simply because his brain is far less complex than ours which gives him no choice because he literally forgets rather than just pushes the memory aside. But that is just the thing. We are too hung up on how we are so superior in so many ways that we lose the ability to simplify our views toward life and toward others enough to let go of our prideful feelings. If we could just realize that we are actually capable of forgetting, or if we could just realize that it really isn't that big of a deal and it will all be fine, then we would be much better off. We hold on to too much. We prevent ourselves from experiencing this adventure because we are too focused on ourselves. If we can just live in the here and now with our eyes to the future rather than living in the past with our eyes on those around us scanning to see what others think about us, then we might find a greater freedom. That will allow us to experience true love and charity. That will show us what the world full of people has to offer us.

baseball

Dreams are normally discussed in two contexts. The first happens whilst we sleep. These dreams are created by our minds in a realm that we may never grasp. Sometimes they are truly absurd. At other times they are frightening. At others they are mysterious and intriguing, or they can be heartwarming, or they can be simply entertaining. Whatever form they take, they always carry with them a certain weight of interest. What does it mean? If one's mind produced it, there must be some significance to it.



That brings me to the second way we use the term dream. This kind of dream is produced by the heart. I am speaking of the dreams that kindle our passion when we are told to 'chase our wildest dreams,' or to 'never let go of a dream'. . . or when we imagine that precious destination of 'when dreams come true.' Of course, these are the kind of dreams that can bring about great emotional anguish in response to all of those exact same addages. These dreams can produce hope. That hope can be replaced by sorrow. These dreams are something resting on the horizon waiting to be seized. They may wait there forever simply to taunt the man left to aimlessly chase. These dreams offer a man the power to define himself in any way, from the worst of terrible to the best of magnificent. They also create opportunity for a man to become lost. . . to crumble. Both of these sides of the coin can be brought to pass in either the fulfilling, or abandonment, of a dream.



So all this being said, what is a dream? This question came to my mind as I reflected on having one of my lifelong dreams shattered. . . for a second time. For most of my life I have dreamt of playing baseball at the top level of the game. At times, it seemed to be all I wanted. A few years ago, I saw that dream slip away. After becoming better through that originally supposed loss, I found the dream materializing once again. Before I knew it, that hope again rested in my sights. And today I watched it disappear rather quickly. What is it that causes a personal desire to become something that has the power to cause literal, in every sense of the word, heartache? HOPE. We build our lives around hope. A hope to have this. A hope to accomplish this. A hope to experience that. Hope is what drives us to act. If we do not hope for a specific result, we have no reason to do anything. When hope is combined with passion, a dream is formed. A concept or idea then begins to raise up, and we go with it. We ride above the earth in pursuit of that which our heart craves. We ride higher and higher until we reach the joyous safety of success or until we tumble off to an unpleasant landing of, 'not quite.' We have a tendency to put hope in anything. This habit takes us on a rollercoaster through life shooting upward only to sometimes find ourselves plummeting downward. No one will ever achieve all of their dreams. It just doesn't happen. But does that mean that we should try to avoid building hope in things. No. Because, once again, without hope, we have no reason to do anything. If we cannot put our eyes forward to something worth striving for, we cannot experience life. Hope falls. It always will, but without having it periodically pulled out from underneath us thus leaving us to smack down again on the pavement of reality, we will never know what it's like to live with your heart leading the way. That is where dreams come in. Dreams are when that hope goes beyond what sounds nice and what looks reasonable. Dreams are stretching past what seems to make sense or appears to be likely. That is where the two definitions collide. The desires of our hearts combine with the concept of the unreal to produce a dream; something that simply can't be without a little magic and a whole lot of wholehearted devotion on our parts.



Life is meant for dreaming. Dreams will drift into the distance never to be realized. But they will leave behind a mark on the pursuant. Any man who chases a dream with an honest heart and full sincerity will discover unseen treasure along that path whether or not it ends in grasping the prize. If you can't get lost in a dream, you cannot expect to find true excitement in the journey of life.